Just another hurdle

I phoned my Mom today. It was the first time that we had spoken since May 28th. We talked about me and how happy I was to get her letter, and I went into a little more detail on how I am doing. She was glad that I called as she thought that I had been excluding her from our lives, but I told her it was because of the way I am. It was a great phone call and it must have lasted at least 15 minutes. I promised her that I would stay in touch with her more often.

My next big test is coming up on December 12th. The company is sending me to Burlington for a week on course. I'm a little worried as it will be my first time away from home by myself. I won't have the comforting words of encouragement from my spouse to get me through the day. I will also have to completely rely on my own judgement as far as my look is concerned. I guess I'm a little excited as well. The class is very small with about 8 other people attending all females except for one male. I'm sure that I'll do OK, it's just another hurdle that I'll have to get over.

I accept you the way you are.

A while back I sent a letter to my mom, coming out to her, you can read that topic here:

http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1371.0.html

Today I received her reply, and I'll post it here as to me it is so wonderful.


My Dear Steph

This has to be the biggest surprize of my life, something I didn't expect in a million years, but you are my child nothing can change that, there is no choice, I accept you the way you are.

Your Dad and I agree you have tremendous ammount of courage to commit this change after fifty three years, and I must admit I find it difficult to imagine you as a female, if you could send me photographs it would help.

I have told G------, J----, and W----- and they accept it, also B---- & M-----. Both W----- & M------ said the same thing that you are their cousin no matter what. This is only a short letter, but i think that I have kept you waiting long enough.

Remember I will always love you.

Mom and Dad

I know that I am very happy right now.

It was such a wonderful weekend. My brother-in-law and his wife and my partners mom came for a visit and I could't have asked or wished for anything better. I just can't believe how accepting and caring everyone was. J even kissed me. It feel so natural.

The whole week was great really. I was in good spirits the whole timeand drivers booking off sick didn't even bother me. I conducted four safety workshops for the drivers one each day, and they went off with out any problems and I think that the drivers liked the way I conducted myself and the lectures. Life is becoming so much easier now, it seems we can make plans to do things without fear of consequence, and maybe start living a normal life. Who knows. I know that I am very happy right now.

The rest of the weekend will be spent with the usual mundane things. I have to do my laundry, and tidy up a little, but that's about it really. I'll do some work on Susan's Wiki, which looks as though it is going to be a major undertaking. I was recently promoted to Administrator at Susan's and I hope that I can live up to the expectations.

...some fun for a change

Yesterday wasn't the greatest one that I've experienced, that's for sure. We had to have the car towed as the front struts broke. So it's more money into the pile of junk. Hopefully the darn thing will last us another year and a half or so, by then we will be able to afford a new one. Who knows...

Anyway, Gillian came out to more people at work and it seems to have gone very well. Now if only I could get my family onside life would be so much easier. Oh well it's their problem not mine.

We went out for supper last night as a way of making up for the day and to end it on a good note. We both had the salmon, which was very good. I had red wine, and Gillian had a large draft. We chatted for quite a while about our families, and all in all we had a good time, and we vowed that we should do more of this and start having some fun for a change. A great way to end the day...

...to Ottawa with another couple

My partner and I went to Ottawa with another couple for the weekend on Saturday November 12th. We had tickets to see Chris Deburgh in concert, and we wanted to do a little shopping as well. It was a great weekend. We arrived about noon and went to a couple of stores shopping before checking in to the hotel. I brought some tools and my partner brought some items for the house. That done it was off to the hotel, where we checked in and got settled in our rooms before supper. Supper was at 5 PM and it was quite good. The resurant wasn't busy, and the service was great, and I had the salmon, one of my favourite foods.

At 6:30 PM we set off for the concert. We had great seats in the second row, just to the left of centre. While I'm not a fan, the show was very good. He sang for about 2.5 hours straight to a sellout crowd, who obviously enjoyed the show by the number encores he received. After the show it was back to the hotel where we sat in our friends room drinking wine and chatting back and forth till about 1:00 AM.

The next morning we checked out of the hotel and found this great dinner where we all had huge breakfasts before we set off back home. It trully was a wonderful weekend. It was great to be with true friends. We are starting to get quite close, which is nice as they want us to pick the next concert we should go to.

Children are wonderful...

Yesterday, November 9th, a driver phoned in sick at the last minute so I jumped in and took the school route. It was a public school with children from K to 8. Half way through the run a couple of children at the back of the bus asked me if my name was Phil. Ooooops, I thought...

(A bit of history... last year I gave these same children school bus safety lessons as my former self who shall be forever nameless) Back to the present...

It flashed through my mind that they recognised my voice, but I told them "No, my name is Stephanie". Nothing more was said, however and couple of the children gave me a good look when they got of the bus at their stop.

Today the driver who was off sick yesterday came into the office after her run and gave me an envelope with 48 hand written apologies in it from the children on the bus for the way they treated yesterday. I asked her what this was all about as I had no clue what went on yesterday. Apparently one of the children was very upset about what some of the other children were saying about me and told her neighbor, who also drives for us, and she in turn told the driver who was sick (Still with me).

Today when she arrived at the school with her bus, the driver who I replaced gave the children a talking to about me, what I was going through and what I was facing, and then she marched them into the principles office and told the principle what had happened on the bus the previous day. At the lunch break the principle had all the children who ride on the bus report to the gym where she lectured and explained to them about my situation, and how they should be supportive and caring of me. Then had each of them write me an apology for the way they behaved.

I've got to tell you I had tears well up in my eye's as I read them. They are definitely treasures to be kept. Now there are arguments for and against what the sick driver and the principle did, but I will side with them on this one. It's nice to know that there are a lot of good supportive people out there.

Just one of the letters:

-------------------------------------------------
Dear: Stepanie

I am sorry for being disrespectful
and I'm sorry for asking you if your
name was Phil now I understand what
you went through and it was a brave
thing to do personaly I couldn't
do it

From: Jordan
-------------------------------------------------

And another:

Quote
Dear bus driver

I am sorry that your differents were brought up and that _______ School
was that diripecful to you. So please come back I liked your driving and you
were cool. You were respeful and that is what matters.

By Brandon
-------------------------------------------------
Children are wonderful...

Nothing more than a memory.

Why is it that guys can get away with just throwing on a shirt and a pair of pants, fly out the door, and no one cares what they look like. But wow, let a woman do that, and look out, nothing but smart remarks and snickers. Not fair, not fair at all.

I have such a hard time deciding what to wear. There is no way that I would have time to pick something out in the morning before work, I would be late every day. So I try and pick out my cloths the night before. And what a chore that is. I guess I just haven't found a style that suits me yet. I love skirts and light weight blouses, but with the cold weather here, I need sweaters and pants, but I just don't look that great in pants unless they are jeans. What a dilemma. Poor me I guess I'll have to do more shopping.

The day was pretty hectic at work and it seems I went from crisis to crisis all morning. Still everything worked out and the morning passed pretty fast, as did the whole day. As each day comes and goes I find that I'm truly comfortable, and happy with who I am. The person who used to occupy this space is nothing more than a memory.

I don't quite know what to do...

This is the second time at work that this has happened to me, and by the same person. In the first instance I was out at one of the schools checking up on how the drivers were doing, did they have any concerns, or problems that needed addressing etc... and this driver turned his back on me and completely ignored me. It was quite obvious what he was doing, and in the second instance it was more of the same. This time at the same school, same drivers, I was going from bus to bus chatting with the drivers. When I got to his bus, we exchanged hellos, and then he made an excuse to leave and talk to the driver behind him. Again it was fairly obvious. I don't quite know what to do about it as I'm pretty sure it's to do with who I am.

Other than that today went pretty good. I was taking part in a Defensive Driving Course, observing the procedures as I will be taking the Instructors Course in December. I'm looking forward to that as it will be a new experience for me. I'm a little nervous, but that understandable given that I will be interacting with a lot of complete strangers for a whole week.

I did a re-evaluation on one of the drivers in the afternoon and that went very well. The children were great. I'm starting to get very comfortable with who I am and many of the anxieties that I once had have gone.

Oh I live a boring life...

So Sunday was pretty good. I slept in a little which was a treat, as I usually get up at 4:00 AM during the week. I sort of lazed away the morning in front of the computer setting up some final touches to the upgrade to the Linux SuSE 10.0 operating system I did yesterday. It took me most of October to download and burn the the 5 CD images, (I'm on dial-up) but it was worth it. I'm very pleased with the way it's running, no Micro$oft for this girl. Since I was on a roll I decided to spruce up my web site as well. Nothing major, just tiddied things up a little. It's funny that I call it a web site, as it only has four pages to it, and it really only contains stuff that would be of no concern to anyone really. I guess I'm being a little vain by enjoying looking at myself on the web. If you are desperately bored you can view it here

I had planned to drive to town in the afternoon to get a few items, and it would give me a chance to wear the new jean jacket I brought yesterday from Sears. The trip was pretty uneventful, I brought a new wire brush for the BBQ, and two bags of bird seed. Oh I live a boring life...

Later in the evening we had a terific thunderstorm, but it left a wonderful sunset, a nice way to end the day.

Oh well, you win some and you loose some

My transition is going so well. So well that I'm a little nervous that it is just a dream and that my whole world may come crashing around my ears. Of course there have been a few problems along the way, but nothing too serious.

Just as an update; Since August 8th, 2005 I have been full time and out to everyone. Therapy continues, as does HRT, and I am now seeing a new Doctor. On Halloween friends invited us to a Halloween Dance which was a hoot. I was thinking of going dressed as a man ha, ha, but decided against that. We had a great time even though I couldn't get up the courage to dance, maybe next time. Upcoming events for me include touching base with the voice therapy clinic at KGH, and then my appointment with my new endo in March 2006 (Yep it's off in the future). More significantly, both of which are firsts for Stephanie, I have a School Bus Safety Awareness class to teach to approximately 100 kindergarten and grade 1 children on November 10th, and then it's off to a Chris Deburgh concert on November 12th with our friends. Yep I'm a little nervous...

Work couldn't be better and I'm off on another course in December. No rest for the wicked as they say. Life at home has been very good, however I have yet to get a reply to the letter I mailed to mom over three weeks ago. Oh well, you win some and you loose some.

I spent the morning in town shopping and wandering around. It was a wonderful day given that it is November. The air was fresh and clean and the weather was glorious. Remembrance Day is approaching and I noticed that the vets are out in force selling poppies to raise money for the various institutions they represent. I have several now as I can't resist buying, we owe them so much.

I was thinking that I really don't have that many friends compared to some who I know. I have three people who I would call close friends and that is about it. If my partner and I ever split up I would have no one to turn to, not even family, kind of sad really, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Got to get that thought out of my mind.

Of course I said yes

A lot has happened since my last entry. Most importantly my doctor has started me on HRT, which is a great relief. Now my journey has truly started. My weight is still going down, it's at 145lbs, and I'm sticking to my "no fat diet" I don't plan on changing that just yet. Hopefully it will start to level off at about 140lbs.

I received my name change application on Tuesday, March 15th, so now I can pursue that. It can take almost a year to get approved but it will be worth the wait. I've officially come out to two people so far, Berlynda and Stacia. I knew that Stacia would be fine with the revelation but I was suprised by Berlyndas' reaction. I though that she would really have a hard time with it, but no, she was totally ok with it. Her biggest concern was if we could still go kayaking together, of course I said yes.

It is truly a glorious morning. It is 7:00 am, - 10, the sun is just rising and I was just watching two beautiful whitetail deer grazing behind the house. It is so nice to be able to watch them they are just beautiful animals, it makes living out here in the sticks worth it.

People can surprise you...

I had an appointment with my doctor last week. It had been a month since my previous one and I was looking forward to the results of my latest blood test. To my relief I dropped my cholesterol level down to 1.2 from 4.9 which is fantastic. My doctor had predicted that it would take from 4 to 6 months to get it under control. So in just one month of a "no fat" diet I beat it. The 21 LBs that I lost as well is a nice benifit as well. I can now start my H therapy and start on my new life. Finally! On March 10th, I have a speaking engagement hosted by Julie D. It's really not a speaking engagement but rather a workshop where I will be answering pre-arranged questions for the audience. Gill will be there for a while to give moral support and to see what is going on as well. I told my best friend Berlyda of my condition and to my utter surprise she was ok with it and asked if we could still remain friends and continue to kayak together. Of course I said yes, whew, people can surprise you...

What a difference my brows make!

I have very fair eyebrows, so when I went for leg and bikini wax I decided to get them shaped, waxed and tinted. My esthetician used a vegetable based tint which should last between 3 to 4 weeks, which is also about the same time between getting my legs done. What a difference my brows make, I couldn't get over them. They are now dark brown, with a slight arc to them. I can't think why I didn't do this before. I'm really feeling good about myself as well. I've lost more weight, a total of 15lbs since I started. Thats two full dress sizes, yahoooooooooo.

A Speaking Engagement

I've been asked to take part in a workshop Queens University as a speaker that will address various issues. I will keep those issues private for now. This is a big step for me and I'm quite excited about the whole thing. The event is to take place on March 10th. More to follow. Life over the last two weeks has been very good with no real issues to discuss. In fact it's been very smooth and boring. my weight lose has tappered off a little but that's ok as I'm not trying to loose weight just get my choilesterol levels down.

Hey I Lost Weight

So I've been on my cholesterol busting and reducing regimen for two weeks now. I wish there was away that I could measure how I was doing as far as it's level goes. I'll just have to keep up what I'm doing and hope that my next blood test in three weeks will show an improvement. One nice surprise was that I discovered that I've lost 5 lbs since I started this. I really I shouldn't have been, but loosing weight didn't cross my mind, I'll just take it as a bonus for being such a good girl :)

Working on my Cholesterol

Last week , on January 17th, I started to work on lowering my Cholesterol. No problems so far, but it does mean that I have to change my eating habits. It's a bit of a challenge making sure that I'm cutting out those dangerous fats found in so many foods, but it's not so bad. It does mean that I have to read the labels on everything I buy. On to week two...

Kicking Myself

I drove into to town yesterday (Saturday), and went to the mall to browse around. Wouldn't you know it there was a side walk sale going on, yahooooo. I ended up at the Bay and found two lovely skirts, I went to the fitting room to try them on, and then I couldn't make up my mind if they looked nice on me. So I ended up not getting them. When I got home Gill told me I should have got them anyway as they were only $14.99, with an additional 30% off at the sales counter. So please kick me... I did buy some eye shadow, so the trip wasn't a complete loss, ha, ha.

Shopping at the Mall

Did the usual Saturday outing routine today. Started off with breakfast at Morrisons. It wasn't too bad but it was cheap so how could you complain. From there it was off to the mall where I brought a new wallet to fit my new purse and then brought a new sweater from Sears that was $19.99 on sale for 70% off, a great buy. Its pale green and nice and cozy warm. I tried on a couple of skirts but the didn't hang right, no hips is a pain. Deb phoned last night to say that the new baby is home and to come over for tea and a visit today at 3:00 PM. So that's where I'm off to.

What's wrong with your face ?

It was a very nice day. The weather was mild and work went really well. The only person to comment on last nights treatment was a male driver who noted that my cheeks were swollen and was concerned about what was wrong. Of course I said "nothing, just a reaction" and he let it go at that. Not even my closest girl friend noticed anything, ha, ha...

Not a bad day at all

When I got to work this morning I was pleased to find out that the school board had canceled all school buses due to the threat of freezing rain. Yahoo a quiet day at the office, with none of the drivers there to bug me ha, ha. It would be a little boring as well, oh well... Although we did get a lot of freezing rain, I was still able to make my appointment with Katherine. It was a good session and she got a lot done. It was a little painful but it will be worth it in the long run. I just have to stay focused and remind myself that with each day that passes I will be closer to the day that I will be me...

A Blood Test

So it was off to the clinic today for my first blood test. Nothing special really except for the fact that it was the real first medical step that I have taken. I had to wait for about 20 minutes, which wasn't so bad, and it was over before I knew it. The medical assistant took 3 vials of blood and that was it. Tomorrow it's off to another session of electrolisis, yuck, it really hurts. But it will be worth it in the end.

As a little treat for enduring the pain and agony of the test, I went to Sears and brought a nice pair of gold hoops. After all a girl can never have enough earings.

First Appointment

Today I met with Dr B. I was a little nervous but the nerves quickly disapeared when Dr B and I started to chat. It felt good to talk to someone who would help me. I spoke of my journey so far and how far I wanted to go with it. She was very understanding and supportive and laid out how she planned to proceed. Of course the first step was to get blood work done. This would give her a starting point. And while she was waiting for the results, she would investigate further on how in fact she would recommend we proceed. I arranged for my next appointment with her on January 17th, 2005 at 3:00 PM.

The Journey Begins

This is my journey. I've been planning and preparing for this for many years, and now, at this point in time I have to proceed or I will definitely be lost.