I'll never forget this day.

I had written a letter coming out to my Mom and Dad (live in England) last year and they took almost two months to reply to it. Their reaction and reply were absolutely wonderful, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Anyway since then we have been talking on the phone at least once a month, something we never did in the past. I got an email from my dad last month telling me that Mom would be flying to Canada to see us and my brother. I phoned Mom almost right away to tell how happy I was that she was coming over, and she said that it would give her time to get to know her new daughter. And the tears started.

So this weekend Mom came to visit. What a glorious visit. I was so nervous and so was Gill but we shouldn't have been. Mom got out of the car and we immediately hugged each other my brother was there as well and of course we hugged. At the house we talked and talked, like we had never talked before. For my part I explained to her how I had suffered all those years and explained more about me, answering the stream of questions from Mom and my brother.

At one point Mom started to go on about if there was something she could have done to prevent this, if there was something that she had done that could have caused it, but I assured her that there wasn't, and that it had nothing to do with there way she raised me of treated me. She was genuinely relieved with that.

We relived our lives again, recounting the good times and some of the not so good times. And all the while she noted that I was so much happier, happier than she had ever seen me in the past. Of course she was concerned with the relationship between Gill and I and we assured her that we would be staying together, but that there could be a chance that we would separate in the future. That there would be a possibility that either of us would find someone who could provide that which our current relationship could not. But if that happened it would be an amicable split.

My brother seemed to take the whole thing in stride and it was as if my life had never been anything different. But then I some how thought this would be the case. Like his Mom he is wonderful, a true brother, one who makes me proud.

I reassured her that we (Gill and I) were ok that I was happy, healthy and who I was supposed to be, she replied something like "That's all a mother could hope for." An incredible visit, an incredible Mothers day, and an incredible Mom.

I'll never forget this day.

Steph

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Sooooooooooooooooo, I went out dancing last night for the first time, and it was great. It was a new Country and Western Bar, and I was very nervous about going in but in I went. It was pretty crowded but I managed to find a stool at the back where I could still see the dance floor. The band finished the first set and I just sat though it sipping coke. I notice a guy in a stripped tee shirt at the bar was giving me the eye, and i thought "Oh god he's going to ask me to dance. He didn't, anyway the next set started and a fellow came over, grabbed my hand and led me off to the dance floor, and before I knew it there I was dancing to Brad Paisley It was soooooo wonderful, but I'm not sure if he was looking at me or my bra that was lit up under the black lights duh. (Note to self - Black lights and white underwear don't mix)

I went back to my stool and noticed that the guy at the bar was still eyeballing me, you know he would be looking at me, I would glance over, catch him, and he would quickly look away. I flashed him a smile. About two songs later the band played a slow dance and another guy came over and asked me if I would like to dance, and I nervously said yes. Slow dance, what was I thinking. I got my hands mixed up at first and I put my hand on his waist but quickly realized that it wasn't supposed to be there, then placed it on his shoulder. He took my waist and my other hand and we danced. It was so nice. I declined a second slow dance with him as I didn't want him to get too ambitious and went back to my seat to find the guy at the bar still eyeballing me. We made eye contact a couple of times and I again smiled at him thinking "Hey, you, what are you waiting for, a written invite. Just ask me to dance and I will" but no, all he did was smile back, Jeez, guys are dumb.

While I was having a good time and had a couple more dances, I did keeps my wits about me, and only drank coke, but it truly was a great night so I'm definitely going to do it again.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

...I thought it was against the law to look so sexy at 53

Did the flood gates open or what. Last week I received email from one long lost friend and then this week two more arrived from two others. The word is out, I've been found. Now this could be a good thing or a bad thing but really I think it is wonderful to here from them after such a long time, yep it's good to have friends.

Another thing that I've noticed is that I'm being contacted a lot more on Yahoo Instant Messenger, by men looking to chat. They always have some very corny lines to get attention. The nicest being "Hello there, I thought it was against the law to look so sexy at 53" Yep he won, and I started to chat, yes I know I'm soooo weak, but hey a girls got to have fun.

A voice from the past...

I had rather a nice surprise yesterday. Waiting for me in my "In Box" was an email from a good friend who I hadn't heard from in almost eight maybe nine years. It felt good that given all that has transpired since I last heard/saw him he still felt close enough to contact me and give me a short up-date.

Of course I replied with quite a long email and hopefully he will reply in kind. This is so out of the blue, that someone was able to find me after all these years. It makes me think about who else knows but has not seen fit to contact me.

Emails can be happy things.

Emails can be happy things.

Today I received an email from my Dad in England. It was quite short but it contained some wonderful news. My Mom will be coming to visit me on May 13th, and 14th, yay.

I haven't seen her since last year and there have been some major life changes since we last saw each other. Although we chat on the phone at least once a month, visits are so much better. She is coming over to see my brother as well and he will be driving her from his house to mine so I will be able to see him as well. Can't wait.

...spent the rest of the day smiling

It's amazing how a simple act as a compliment can completely change your day. I was at the shopping mall today doing a little shopping with Gillian. we stopped for lunch, and while I was in the line-up for food, a lady walked up beside me, tapped me on the shoulder and told me that she thought my hair looked really nice. I smiled and thanked her, and I think that I've spent the rest of the day smiling. That simple little gesture by a complete stranger makes it all worth while.

...it's a one way ticket to happiness

I've been on my RLT for a little over six months now, completly out, HRT, therapy, electro etc... etc... That is short by some accounts, but so far for me it has been a life time. To say that the past three months have been a strain would be a gross understatement. To put it mildly, work has been hell on earth, the pressures have been building so much that I finally had a small melt down yesterday when I got home.

Don't get me wrong, the pressures involved the work load coupled with my transition, not work itself. We have an acute driver shortage and this week alone I've been run ragged training new bus drivers to try and keep pace. On top of that we had two vehicle accidents that I had to investigate, and on top of that I had four Driver Safety Workshops to conduct all week for the employees.

So it came to a head yesterday. I get up each day at 4:00 AM, breakfast, shower, hair, make-up, and out the door for a 40 minute drive to town and into work by 6:00 AM, 6:30 I start training. Finish work between 4:30 PM and 4:45 PM, home by 6:00 PM... yah, yah, I know it sucks to be me Smiley (I know - at least I have a job - pay sucks).

My days are long, and at the same time I'm in full transition, fighting those battles along with the battles at work, trying to balance each so that one doesn't affect the other. It got sooooooooo damn hard today, it seems that things were just coming to a point that I thought that I would lose my mind if the pressure didn't stop. My manager asked me what was wrong and I told her that I just get the feeling that I'm being kept under a microscope, that everyone is watching me, watching what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I'm doing...

Anyway I got home that night and there was a Birthday card in the mail from my mom in England (It's later this month - no cards please - just money). I read the card and I burst into tears. I can truly say that I have never, ever cried so hard.

This is what the card said:

For a truly Special Daughter

I hope that if I told you
It would come as no surprise
That Daughter you mean more to me
Than you could ever realise.

If only it were possible
Within a simple card,
To say you're rather special
And held with such regard...

I could search the whole world over
To look for something new,
And never find the perfect wish
For a Daughter as special as you.

Up until yesterday my transition and my RLT had being going very well, no problems, no fears, but don't ever believe anyone who says it's easy. IT'S NOT, and the pressures, pain and suffering that one has to endure is at times life threatening. There is no turning back, it's a one way ticket to happiness, but you had better be ready for the ride of your life, it's hard to step off a speeding train.

Steph

P.S. Things are back to normal now, for now.

... just really hoping

2006, wow time flies when you're having fun. Actually I'm just really hoping that this year is a nice relaxing one, and nothing like the tumultuous one that 2005 turned out to be. There is nothing on the horizon for me at this point in time other than starting the process for my surgery. I'm hoping that it won't be that complicated to set up, and with luck I'm looking at January or February 2007. Who knows what will happen between now and then. I have my fingers crossed, but luck should have nothing to do with it.

If I still have this Blog going it will be interesting to see where I am this time next year. Anyway it's back to work tomorrow after the Christmas break. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it with any type of enthusiasm. I must be going through the winter bla's. We started another wine kit this evening, it will be interesting how this one turns out. So far all the ones we have brewed so far have turned out great.

Just another hurdle

I phoned my Mom today. It was the first time that we had spoken since May 28th. We talked about me and how happy I was to get her letter, and I went into a little more detail on how I am doing. She was glad that I called as she thought that I had been excluding her from our lives, but I told her it was because of the way I am. It was a great phone call and it must have lasted at least 15 minutes. I promised her that I would stay in touch with her more often.

My next big test is coming up on December 12th. The company is sending me to Burlington for a week on course. I'm a little worried as it will be my first time away from home by myself. I won't have the comforting words of encouragement from my spouse to get me through the day. I will also have to completely rely on my own judgement as far as my look is concerned. I guess I'm a little excited as well. The class is very small with about 8 other people attending all females except for one male. I'm sure that I'll do OK, it's just another hurdle that I'll have to get over.

I accept you the way you are.

A while back I sent a letter to my mom, coming out to her, you can read that topic here:

http://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,1371.0.html

Today I received her reply, and I'll post it here as to me it is so wonderful.


My Dear Steph

This has to be the biggest surprize of my life, something I didn't expect in a million years, but you are my child nothing can change that, there is no choice, I accept you the way you are.

Your Dad and I agree you have tremendous ammount of courage to commit this change after fifty three years, and I must admit I find it difficult to imagine you as a female, if you could send me photographs it would help.

I have told G------, J----, and W----- and they accept it, also B---- & M-----. Both W----- & M------ said the same thing that you are their cousin no matter what. This is only a short letter, but i think that I have kept you waiting long enough.

Remember I will always love you.

Mom and Dad

I know that I am very happy right now.

It was such a wonderful weekend. My brother-in-law and his wife and my partners mom came for a visit and I could't have asked or wished for anything better. I just can't believe how accepting and caring everyone was. J even kissed me. It feel so natural.

The whole week was great really. I was in good spirits the whole timeand drivers booking off sick didn't even bother me. I conducted four safety workshops for the drivers one each day, and they went off with out any problems and I think that the drivers liked the way I conducted myself and the lectures. Life is becoming so much easier now, it seems we can make plans to do things without fear of consequence, and maybe start living a normal life. Who knows. I know that I am very happy right now.

The rest of the weekend will be spent with the usual mundane things. I have to do my laundry, and tidy up a little, but that's about it really. I'll do some work on Susan's Wiki, which looks as though it is going to be a major undertaking. I was recently promoted to Administrator at Susan's and I hope that I can live up to the expectations.

...some fun for a change

Yesterday wasn't the greatest one that I've experienced, that's for sure. We had to have the car towed as the front struts broke. So it's more money into the pile of junk. Hopefully the darn thing will last us another year and a half or so, by then we will be able to afford a new one. Who knows...

Anyway, Gillian came out to more people at work and it seems to have gone very well. Now if only I could get my family onside life would be so much easier. Oh well it's their problem not mine.

We went out for supper last night as a way of making up for the day and to end it on a good note. We both had the salmon, which was very good. I had red wine, and Gillian had a large draft. We chatted for quite a while about our families, and all in all we had a good time, and we vowed that we should do more of this and start having some fun for a change. A great way to end the day...

...to Ottawa with another couple

My partner and I went to Ottawa with another couple for the weekend on Saturday November 12th. We had tickets to see Chris Deburgh in concert, and we wanted to do a little shopping as well. It was a great weekend. We arrived about noon and went to a couple of stores shopping before checking in to the hotel. I brought some tools and my partner brought some items for the house. That done it was off to the hotel, where we checked in and got settled in our rooms before supper. Supper was at 5 PM and it was quite good. The resurant wasn't busy, and the service was great, and I had the salmon, one of my favourite foods.

At 6:30 PM we set off for the concert. We had great seats in the second row, just to the left of centre. While I'm not a fan, the show was very good. He sang for about 2.5 hours straight to a sellout crowd, who obviously enjoyed the show by the number encores he received. After the show it was back to the hotel where we sat in our friends room drinking wine and chatting back and forth till about 1:00 AM.

The next morning we checked out of the hotel and found this great dinner where we all had huge breakfasts before we set off back home. It trully was a wonderful weekend. It was great to be with true friends. We are starting to get quite close, which is nice as they want us to pick the next concert we should go to.

Children are wonderful...

Yesterday, November 9th, a driver phoned in sick at the last minute so I jumped in and took the school route. It was a public school with children from K to 8. Half way through the run a couple of children at the back of the bus asked me if my name was Phil. Ooooops, I thought...

(A bit of history... last year I gave these same children school bus safety lessons as my former self who shall be forever nameless) Back to the present...

It flashed through my mind that they recognised my voice, but I told them "No, my name is Stephanie". Nothing more was said, however and couple of the children gave me a good look when they got of the bus at their stop.

Today the driver who was off sick yesterday came into the office after her run and gave me an envelope with 48 hand written apologies in it from the children on the bus for the way they treated yesterday. I asked her what this was all about as I had no clue what went on yesterday. Apparently one of the children was very upset about what some of the other children were saying about me and told her neighbor, who also drives for us, and she in turn told the driver who was sick (Still with me).

Today when she arrived at the school with her bus, the driver who I replaced gave the children a talking to about me, what I was going through and what I was facing, and then she marched them into the principles office and told the principle what had happened on the bus the previous day. At the lunch break the principle had all the children who ride on the bus report to the gym where she lectured and explained to them about my situation, and how they should be supportive and caring of me. Then had each of them write me an apology for the way they behaved.

I've got to tell you I had tears well up in my eye's as I read them. They are definitely treasures to be kept. Now there are arguments for and against what the sick driver and the principle did, but I will side with them on this one. It's nice to know that there are a lot of good supportive people out there.

Just one of the letters:

-------------------------------------------------
Dear: Stepanie

I am sorry for being disrespectful
and I'm sorry for asking you if your
name was Phil now I understand what
you went through and it was a brave
thing to do personaly I couldn't
do it

From: Jordan
-------------------------------------------------

And another:

Quote
Dear bus driver

I am sorry that your differents were brought up and that _______ School
was that diripecful to you. So please come back I liked your driving and you
were cool. You were respeful and that is what matters.

By Brandon
-------------------------------------------------
Children are wonderful...

Nothing more than a memory.

Why is it that guys can get away with just throwing on a shirt and a pair of pants, fly out the door, and no one cares what they look like. But wow, let a woman do that, and look out, nothing but smart remarks and snickers. Not fair, not fair at all.

I have such a hard time deciding what to wear. There is no way that I would have time to pick something out in the morning before work, I would be late every day. So I try and pick out my cloths the night before. And what a chore that is. I guess I just haven't found a style that suits me yet. I love skirts and light weight blouses, but with the cold weather here, I need sweaters and pants, but I just don't look that great in pants unless they are jeans. What a dilemma. Poor me I guess I'll have to do more shopping.

The day was pretty hectic at work and it seems I went from crisis to crisis all morning. Still everything worked out and the morning passed pretty fast, as did the whole day. As each day comes and goes I find that I'm truly comfortable, and happy with who I am. The person who used to occupy this space is nothing more than a memory.

I don't quite know what to do...

This is the second time at work that this has happened to me, and by the same person. In the first instance I was out at one of the schools checking up on how the drivers were doing, did they have any concerns, or problems that needed addressing etc... and this driver turned his back on me and completely ignored me. It was quite obvious what he was doing, and in the second instance it was more of the same. This time at the same school, same drivers, I was going from bus to bus chatting with the drivers. When I got to his bus, we exchanged hellos, and then he made an excuse to leave and talk to the driver behind him. Again it was fairly obvious. I don't quite know what to do about it as I'm pretty sure it's to do with who I am.

Other than that today went pretty good. I was taking part in a Defensive Driving Course, observing the procedures as I will be taking the Instructors Course in December. I'm looking forward to that as it will be a new experience for me. I'm a little nervous, but that understandable given that I will be interacting with a lot of complete strangers for a whole week.

I did a re-evaluation on one of the drivers in the afternoon and that went very well. The children were great. I'm starting to get very comfortable with who I am and many of the anxieties that I once had have gone.

Oh I live a boring life...

So Sunday was pretty good. I slept in a little which was a treat, as I usually get up at 4:00 AM during the week. I sort of lazed away the morning in front of the computer setting up some final touches to the upgrade to the Linux SuSE 10.0 operating system I did yesterday. It took me most of October to download and burn the the 5 CD images, (I'm on dial-up) but it was worth it. I'm very pleased with the way it's running, no Micro$oft for this girl. Since I was on a roll I decided to spruce up my web site as well. Nothing major, just tiddied things up a little. It's funny that I call it a web site, as it only has four pages to it, and it really only contains stuff that would be of no concern to anyone really. I guess I'm being a little vain by enjoying looking at myself on the web. If you are desperately bored you can view it here

I had planned to drive to town in the afternoon to get a few items, and it would give me a chance to wear the new jean jacket I brought yesterday from Sears. The trip was pretty uneventful, I brought a new wire brush for the BBQ, and two bags of bird seed. Oh I live a boring life...

Later in the evening we had a terific thunderstorm, but it left a wonderful sunset, a nice way to end the day.

Oh well, you win some and you loose some

My transition is going so well. So well that I'm a little nervous that it is just a dream and that my whole world may come crashing around my ears. Of course there have been a few problems along the way, but nothing too serious.

Just as an update; Since August 8th, 2005 I have been full time and out to everyone. Therapy continues, as does HRT, and I am now seeing a new Doctor. On Halloween friends invited us to a Halloween Dance which was a hoot. I was thinking of going dressed as a man ha, ha, but decided against that. We had a great time even though I couldn't get up the courage to dance, maybe next time. Upcoming events for me include touching base with the voice therapy clinic at KGH, and then my appointment with my new endo in March 2006 (Yep it's off in the future). More significantly, both of which are firsts for Stephanie, I have a School Bus Safety Awareness class to teach to approximately 100 kindergarten and grade 1 children on November 10th, and then it's off to a Chris Deburgh concert on November 12th with our friends. Yep I'm a little nervous...

Work couldn't be better and I'm off on another course in December. No rest for the wicked as they say. Life at home has been very good, however I have yet to get a reply to the letter I mailed to mom over three weeks ago. Oh well, you win some and you loose some.

I spent the morning in town shopping and wandering around. It was a wonderful day given that it is November. The air was fresh and clean and the weather was glorious. Remembrance Day is approaching and I noticed that the vets are out in force selling poppies to raise money for the various institutions they represent. I have several now as I can't resist buying, we owe them so much.

I was thinking that I really don't have that many friends compared to some who I know. I have three people who I would call close friends and that is about it. If my partner and I ever split up I would have no one to turn to, not even family, kind of sad really, and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. Got to get that thought out of my mind.

Of course I said yes

A lot has happened since my last entry. Most importantly my doctor has started me on HRT, which is a great relief. Now my journey has truly started. My weight is still going down, it's at 145lbs, and I'm sticking to my "no fat diet" I don't plan on changing that just yet. Hopefully it will start to level off at about 140lbs.

I received my name change application on Tuesday, March 15th, so now I can pursue that. It can take almost a year to get approved but it will be worth the wait. I've officially come out to two people so far, Berlynda and Stacia. I knew that Stacia would be fine with the revelation but I was suprised by Berlyndas' reaction. I though that she would really have a hard time with it, but no, she was totally ok with it. Her biggest concern was if we could still go kayaking together, of course I said yes.

It is truly a glorious morning. It is 7:00 am, - 10, the sun is just rising and I was just watching two beautiful whitetail deer grazing behind the house. It is so nice to be able to watch them they are just beautiful animals, it makes living out here in the sticks worth it.

People can surprise you...

I had an appointment with my doctor last week. It had been a month since my previous one and I was looking forward to the results of my latest blood test. To my relief I dropped my cholesterol level down to 1.2 from 4.9 which is fantastic. My doctor had predicted that it would take from 4 to 6 months to get it under control. So in just one month of a "no fat" diet I beat it. The 21 LBs that I lost as well is a nice benifit as well. I can now start my H therapy and start on my new life. Finally! On March 10th, I have a speaking engagement hosted by Julie D. It's really not a speaking engagement but rather a workshop where I will be answering pre-arranged questions for the audience. Gill will be there for a while to give moral support and to see what is going on as well. I told my best friend Berlyda of my condition and to my utter surprise she was ok with it and asked if we could still remain friends and continue to kayak together. Of course I said yes, whew, people can surprise you...