Are there no honorable men out there...

It's been quite a while since I last posted anything. I guess there hasn't been much to write about. Generally the last few months have been spent exploring my sexuality. I must admit that it has been quite revealing how men act, how some can be great and then there are those who will say anything in order to get you into bed, surprise surprise. One man (R) who I really liked, while he didn't try to get me into bed did start to get quite serious to the point where we we kissing after a dance. And then the let down came... He had a partner/girlfriend and he was feeling guilty that he may hurt her and me so he thought it better that we didn't pursue a relationship. I guess it was better to find out before we got too serious, but it still hurt.

There was another gentleman who seemed pretty genuine but when it looked as though a relationship may develop he told me that he couldn't continue as he had a girlfriend and that she was out of town. I must admit that it's a bit of a blow to the ego but nothing that I can't get over, not yet anyway. Are there no honorable men out there, well yes, of course there are, I just haven't found one yet. I must admit that the chase is fun, I just hope that I'm so scary that men shy away from me, I guess my tattoo's can be intimidating, but my dragons are soooo pretty.

I have no idea what I said after that...

Here it is Friday at last. I've been looking forward to this all week as I have been run off my feet training new drivers and after awhile they can start to get to you. But, it's Friday, time to dance and laugh. I ended up at the usual club, god I'm getting so predictable, a creature of habit to be sure. Anyway I was wearing an electric blue tank top, white skirt, black slides, and a light turquoise jacket, and I arrived.

I scanned the club, noticed and waved to a number of regulars. A couple I had met three weeks ago offered me a seat with them at their table and I accepted. They are from out of town so we took a few minutes catching up and such. Richard came in and at first he didn't see me as he walked by my table. I could tell that he was looking for someone or something, and I have to admit that I hoped it was me. I was about to stand and wave but thought better of it as I didn't want to seem too desperate, and out of the corner of my eye I saw that he had noticed me and that he was heading over. I pretended not to see him and acted surprised when he stood beside me and said hello. I stood up beside him and with my biggest smile said "hello, hello, it's great to see you", too eager I know, but I like his company. We chatted for the next 20 minutes or so about how our weeks had been, what our weekend plans were, what we thought of the blues festival last week yada, yada, yada... till the band started. Yay dancing.

I've really gotten to like dancing, not that I'm good at it, no complicated moves, I just find that when I'm dancing I am free to be me, and it's a great feeling. The band played three sets and then Richard asked if I would like to go oout onto the patio for some fresh air, and we did. We chatted away about all sorts of things then finally played a slow dance, and Richard asked if I would like to dance. Of course I said yes. In the past our slow dances were cordial and discrete. This time he held me closer and I could feel his forearm against the side of my breast and his cheek against mine. I have never been this close before... It felt so natural, so comfortable, so right...

After the fouth set we decided to leave and he asked where I was parked, then I realized that "Oh god, he's going to walk me back to my car". We set off and after a hundred feet or so I realized I had left my jacket in the club and we turned to retrieve it, at the door I asked Richard if he would go in and get it for me which he did. While standing out side waiting for him two guys started to chat with me, but I could tell that they had had a few too many so I moved away from them and was relieved when Richard returned with my jacket. He offered to put it over my shoulders and we set off again. We chatted and laughed on the way till we arrived at the my car, "now what do I do". I keep my big purse locked in the trunk of the car and only take a "Clutch" with me when I'm dancing so I told him just a sec I need to get my purse out of the trunk, which surprised him, it also gave me time to think. Damn how did I get myself into this.

I retrieved my purse, unlocked the car door and turned to face him. We chatted but for the life of me I can't remember what we said, but at that point he leaned towards me, placed his hands on my waist, I placed my hands on his shoulders, and we kissed cheeks.

OH, MY, GOD!!!!!!!!!!

I have no idea what I said after that, other than something like "thanks so much for a wonderful time", and we both agreed that it would be nice to meet again next Friday. He left and i got in the car and sat and thought to myself... Hmmmmm that was nice. It simply felt so natural, so normal, so easy, so damned nice...

Steph

I'll never forget this day.

I had written a letter coming out to my Mom and Dad (live in England) last year and they took almost two months to reply to it. Their reaction and reply were absolutely wonderful, I couldn't have asked for a better outcome. Anyway since then we have been talking on the phone at least once a month, something we never did in the past. I got an email from my dad last month telling me that Mom would be flying to Canada to see us and my brother. I phoned Mom almost right away to tell how happy I was that she was coming over, and she said that it would give her time to get to know her new daughter. And the tears started.

So this weekend Mom came to visit. What a glorious visit. I was so nervous and so was Gill but we shouldn't have been. Mom got out of the car and we immediately hugged each other my brother was there as well and of course we hugged. At the house we talked and talked, like we had never talked before. For my part I explained to her how I had suffered all those years and explained more about me, answering the stream of questions from Mom and my brother.

At one point Mom started to go on about if there was something she could have done to prevent this, if there was something that she had done that could have caused it, but I assured her that there wasn't, and that it had nothing to do with there way she raised me of treated me. She was genuinely relieved with that.

We relived our lives again, recounting the good times and some of the not so good times. And all the while she noted that I was so much happier, happier than she had ever seen me in the past. Of course she was concerned with the relationship between Gill and I and we assured her that we would be staying together, but that there could be a chance that we would separate in the future. That there would be a possibility that either of us would find someone who could provide that which our current relationship could not. But if that happened it would be an amicable split.

My brother seemed to take the whole thing in stride and it was as if my life had never been anything different. But then I some how thought this would be the case. Like his Mom he is wonderful, a true brother, one who makes me proud.

I reassured her that we (Gill and I) were ok that I was happy, healthy and who I was supposed to be, she replied something like "That's all a mother could hope for." An incredible visit, an incredible Mothers day, and an incredible Mom.

I'll never forget this day.

Steph

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Sooooooooooooooooo, I went out dancing last night for the first time, and it was great. It was a new Country and Western Bar, and I was very nervous about going in but in I went. It was pretty crowded but I managed to find a stool at the back where I could still see the dance floor. The band finished the first set and I just sat though it sipping coke. I notice a guy in a stripped tee shirt at the bar was giving me the eye, and i thought "Oh god he's going to ask me to dance. He didn't, anyway the next set started and a fellow came over, grabbed my hand and led me off to the dance floor, and before I knew it there I was dancing to Brad Paisley It was soooooo wonderful, but I'm not sure if he was looking at me or my bra that was lit up under the black lights duh. (Note to self - Black lights and white underwear don't mix)

I went back to my stool and noticed that the guy at the bar was still eyeballing me, you know he would be looking at me, I would glance over, catch him, and he would quickly look away. I flashed him a smile. About two songs later the band played a slow dance and another guy came over and asked me if I would like to dance, and I nervously said yes. Slow dance, what was I thinking. I got my hands mixed up at first and I put my hand on his waist but quickly realized that it wasn't supposed to be there, then placed it on his shoulder. He took my waist and my other hand and we danced. It was so nice. I declined a second slow dance with him as I didn't want him to get too ambitious and went back to my seat to find the guy at the bar still eyeballing me. We made eye contact a couple of times and I again smiled at him thinking "Hey, you, what are you waiting for, a written invite. Just ask me to dance and I will" but no, all he did was smile back, Jeez, guys are dumb.

While I was having a good time and had a couple more dances, I did keeps my wits about me, and only drank coke, but it truly was a great night so I'm definitely going to do it again.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

...I thought it was against the law to look so sexy at 53

Did the flood gates open or what. Last week I received email from one long lost friend and then this week two more arrived from two others. The word is out, I've been found. Now this could be a good thing or a bad thing but really I think it is wonderful to here from them after such a long time, yep it's good to have friends.

Another thing that I've noticed is that I'm being contacted a lot more on Yahoo Instant Messenger, by men looking to chat. They always have some very corny lines to get attention. The nicest being "Hello there, I thought it was against the law to look so sexy at 53" Yep he won, and I started to chat, yes I know I'm soooo weak, but hey a girls got to have fun.

A voice from the past...

I had rather a nice surprise yesterday. Waiting for me in my "In Box" was an email from a good friend who I hadn't heard from in almost eight maybe nine years. It felt good that given all that has transpired since I last heard/saw him he still felt close enough to contact me and give me a short up-date.

Of course I replied with quite a long email and hopefully he will reply in kind. This is so out of the blue, that someone was able to find me after all these years. It makes me think about who else knows but has not seen fit to contact me.

Emails can be happy things.

Emails can be happy things.

Today I received an email from my Dad in England. It was quite short but it contained some wonderful news. My Mom will be coming to visit me on May 13th, and 14th, yay.

I haven't seen her since last year and there have been some major life changes since we last saw each other. Although we chat on the phone at least once a month, visits are so much better. She is coming over to see my brother as well and he will be driving her from his house to mine so I will be able to see him as well. Can't wait.

...spent the rest of the day smiling

It's amazing how a simple act as a compliment can completely change your day. I was at the shopping mall today doing a little shopping with Gillian. we stopped for lunch, and while I was in the line-up for food, a lady walked up beside me, tapped me on the shoulder and told me that she thought my hair looked really nice. I smiled and thanked her, and I think that I've spent the rest of the day smiling. That simple little gesture by a complete stranger makes it all worth while.

...it's a one way ticket to happiness

I've been on my RLT for a little over six months now, completly out, HRT, therapy, electro etc... etc... That is short by some accounts, but so far for me it has been a life time. To say that the past three months have been a strain would be a gross understatement. To put it mildly, work has been hell on earth, the pressures have been building so much that I finally had a small melt down yesterday when I got home.

Don't get me wrong, the pressures involved the work load coupled with my transition, not work itself. We have an acute driver shortage and this week alone I've been run ragged training new bus drivers to try and keep pace. On top of that we had two vehicle accidents that I had to investigate, and on top of that I had four Driver Safety Workshops to conduct all week for the employees.

So it came to a head yesterday. I get up each day at 4:00 AM, breakfast, shower, hair, make-up, and out the door for a 40 minute drive to town and into work by 6:00 AM, 6:30 I start training. Finish work between 4:30 PM and 4:45 PM, home by 6:00 PM... yah, yah, I know it sucks to be me Smiley (I know - at least I have a job - pay sucks).

My days are long, and at the same time I'm in full transition, fighting those battles along with the battles at work, trying to balance each so that one doesn't affect the other. It got sooooooooo damn hard today, it seems that things were just coming to a point that I thought that I would lose my mind if the pressure didn't stop. My manager asked me what was wrong and I told her that I just get the feeling that I'm being kept under a microscope, that everyone is watching me, watching what I'm doing, how I'm doing, what I'm doing...

Anyway I got home that night and there was a Birthday card in the mail from my mom in England (It's later this month - no cards please - just money). I read the card and I burst into tears. I can truly say that I have never, ever cried so hard.

This is what the card said:

For a truly Special Daughter

I hope that if I told you
It would come as no surprise
That Daughter you mean more to me
Than you could ever realise.

If only it were possible
Within a simple card,
To say you're rather special
And held with such regard...

I could search the whole world over
To look for something new,
And never find the perfect wish
For a Daughter as special as you.

Up until yesterday my transition and my RLT had being going very well, no problems, no fears, but don't ever believe anyone who says it's easy. IT'S NOT, and the pressures, pain and suffering that one has to endure is at times life threatening. There is no turning back, it's a one way ticket to happiness, but you had better be ready for the ride of your life, it's hard to step off a speeding train.

Steph

P.S. Things are back to normal now, for now.

... just really hoping

2006, wow time flies when you're having fun. Actually I'm just really hoping that this year is a nice relaxing one, and nothing like the tumultuous one that 2005 turned out to be. There is nothing on the horizon for me at this point in time other than starting the process for my surgery. I'm hoping that it won't be that complicated to set up, and with luck I'm looking at January or February 2007. Who knows what will happen between now and then. I have my fingers crossed, but luck should have nothing to do with it.

If I still have this Blog going it will be interesting to see where I am this time next year. Anyway it's back to work tomorrow after the Christmas break. I can't say that I'm looking forward to it with any type of enthusiasm. I must be going through the winter bla's. We started another wine kit this evening, it will be interesting how this one turns out. So far all the ones we have brewed so far have turned out great.